"TELL ME, WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH YOUR ONE, WILD, PRECIOUS LIFE?"

Mary Oliver, DICHTERIN

I can't sleep.

Went through the whole Air France ceremony. The champagne with that unspeakably nonchalant green mousse. Accompanied by fresh crisp lettuce leaves pure, what a treat. This baguette with plain butter and salt. I usually drink almost no alcohol, if you ask me then I always say according to the truth and out of my basic happy heart: "I'm already high all day anyway".

But up here there is white wine from a small winery in the Languedoc, which I know and have visited before. Tears shoot into my eyes after the first sip. This particular earthiness, this blond warmth, this serene, at the same time heavy and salty land, it all piles up inside me and I can't do anything about it.

Now I’ve eaten this midnight brown, slightly melted chocolate ice cream, plus a sip of red wine, which is THE combo anyway, and sleep is out of the question. I’m kind of flying on the spot here in terms of time.

When we land in San José later in about 10 hours, hardly any time will have passed and it won't be dark for the whole flight. Yesterday morning I had breakfast at my parents' house.

After eating right away, I wanted to leave because there was a lot to do before the trip. I look at my mother. For a long time. She is irritated. She decides to look back seriously at first, then she becomes mischievous, and after what feels like an eternity, she is noticeably surprised that I still have my eyes sunk into hers. I think of Angaanagq, (google him. A wonderful, great shaman who dedicated his life to melting the ice in people’s hearts) my mother and I are still looking. She gets embarrassed, I see her. She blinks. Then she closes her eyes. Now you can’t see me anymore she says. If there was any ice left in my heart, it has melted at this moment.

A few months ago I did an Ayahuasca Ceremony with a Peruvian Maestro. Sitting across from me was a young woman who reported the next morning at the sharing that she had thrown up and it was very painful because she felt like she had vomited shards or slabs of ice. She insisted on personally burying the contents of her bucket in a ceremony and giving it back to Mother Earth. She felt like she had been reborn. Ah yes, did I mention it’s a full moon today?